Crazy Guy Rant Part 1

This is just a huge WTF?

This old white guy came into my store and was so ridiculous, and crazy it was just unbelievable and after 10 minutes and no end in sight I started audio recording it. This is only part 1. If anyone can explain to me what the hell he was talking about leave me a comment and stay tuned for Crazy Guy Rant Part 2: Jesus Rap (yeah he actually starte rapping)

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Lost in Mentaltown

A man comes in around midnight and asks what town he's in. I said "This is Mentaltown". He says "Really? I've been wandering around for several hours trying to figure out where I am" I asked him where he was heading and he named a town about 20 miles away so I asked him if he wanted to use our phone to call a cab, he said "No I've got the money but I'm a firm believer in what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" I am too, but I'm not going to walk 20 miles somewhere I don't have directions to, in 20 degree weather. I asked the guy if he was sure, and he said yeah and left.

A few hours later he comes back to buy some Red Bull. I asked him how his travels were and he said "I got half way there and decided to come back"

Condom Lady

My first over night. A woman stumbles in around 11pm, she's an obese redneck with food stains all over her shirt and pants, her fly down and a lazy eye. She looks kind of like this:

She comes up to me reaking of booze and whispers in my ear, as if it's the biggest secret in the world "Hey kid go get me the cheapest condoms". "Yes M'am" I replied  internally disgusted. I go get the condoms and checking her out when she says to me "These aren't really for me. This guy knocked up my daughter so I'm going to chop off his dick and then give him the condoms as a joke present! Isn't that hilarious?!" lol.

She continues talking to me about various subjects for another 40 minutes, asking me every 5 what color her eyes are. Did she think they were going to change in 5 minutes? Next she explains how Native Americans, eye color and Saint Patricks Day are all connected which I still don't understand.

I had work I needed to get done and wanted to tell her that, but as if she could read my mind she starts talking about how she has a horrible temper and so-and-so knows that no one should ever fuck with her. This woman reminded me of Jabba the Hutt and I think if she really wanted to she could break me in half so I concluded I was technically helping a customer and it gave me an excuse to stand around and not really do any work, so I continued listening to her continuously changing topics.

The woman continued  talking to me (more of a monologue) about how her and my co-worker are really "in love", a love she doesn't understand is one-sided. She says how she calls and they flirt on the phone. Also, fuck her kids, fuck her husband her and my co-worker are going to run away together back to her home state down south... the state of Maine. They're just going to run away together with a $100 and live happily ever after.

Finally this woman raps up our conversation (her monologue) with how she wants to pretend to be dead and hide in a coffin, covering herself in fake blood. She's then going to go to her own funeral and listen to what everyone has to say about her and then at the end jump out and tell them all to go fuck themselves.

I haven't seen this lady since. Part of me is a little scared of her, but the other part wants her to come back in for lolz.