Excuse me officer can you help me...? I need a pack of Newports

I don't know what this lady was on... But I want it lol. She comes in and buys some candy with food stamps, and then she wanted to buy a pack of Newport's. Those are our most popular cigarettes so it's one of the few items I actually know the price of off hand. They're $8.28 with tax but the lady only had $5 so then she wanted to return the candy to afford them. When I told her that wouldn't work she asked why... I don't know ma'am because you can't buy cigarettes with food stamps? So she hangs around for a bit, talking to me (I have no idea what she's talking about, I'm just agreeing with everything she says) and asking people if they can spare $3.
What was hilarious though was when a cop came through my line. She says "excuse me officer can you help me?" I thought maybe she was going to ask for a ride home since she was fucked up and mentioned she lived a bit of a (walking) distance away. Instead she says "can you help me officer...? I need $3 for a pack of smokes" lmao! It was so hard for me, and I think the cop too to not laugh at her. I'm also shocked the cop didn't do a sobriety test.

It was getting to the point where I was considering calling the manager to kick her out when she finally left. That lady was enough crazy for one night...

Explaining Water Bottles to Retards

So this lady comes through my line with a ton of stuff, so I already knew it was going to take a while. This lady ended up wasting way more of my time than I expected...

First she doesn't understand how a water bottle works. Really...? You put water in it and then you drink it. The little ice pack goes in the freezer, you put it in the pouch and it keeps your drink cold. What is so hard to understand about that? "well how long do you put it in the freezer for?" I don't know, until it's frozen? What do you want me to say? You have to leave it in for 3 hours 42 minutes and 36 seconds? I can't give you a fucking time frame lady just leave it in until it's cold.
I don't know, I'm just a cashier water bottles are way too high tech for me...

We have a sale buy 2 perfumes get 2 free. This lady gets like 20 and wants me to make sure all the caps are on tight. They're already on tight, it's not going to come undone.

In total this lady bought over $200 of stuff, $8 was food so she spends 10 minutes searching for her food stamps card ...
Finally she pays for the food and pulls out a stack of $20s. I thought we were done but no, she had to inspect each one to make sure they weren't stuck together, but double checking isn't good enough,the fact I would have gave her back anything extra she gave me wasn't good enough either. She had to inspect each $20, 5 times each....
I'm standing there calmly, smiling. In my mind I'm screaming " give me the fucking money and get out already!!!"

Finally she pays and leaves. As I sigh in relief the next customer comes with even more stuff. All I could hear was Darth Vader from episode III yelling no!
That lady actually turned out to be pretty cool though. She commented how she was shocked how patient I was with the lady before her. I'm still shocked too.