Pain in the ass

A drunk lady comes in and says she wants a blue Philly. Sometimes people confuse the purple grape for blue so I asked if that's what she wanted. She says "I want the blue one are you deaf?" We don't carry 'blue Phillys' so I don't know what the fuck she's talking about. I told her we don't carry that and she gets even more pissed off and says "I said I wanted a Dutch master. Are you trying to be a pain in the ass?" Bitch that is not what you said and now you're giving me an attitude? In my mind I'm saying "fuck you" but as a cashier I'm required to smile and deal with it. It's not worth arguing over and she's clearly intoxicated.

After she left I asked the girl behind her "you heard her say she wanted a Philly right?" yeah she did. But whatever I guess I'm just a pain in the ass.

Call Me Maybe

A guy from out of state came in tonight. I'm not sure but I think he was drunk. Maybe. We talked a little bit and he started hitting on me which I found kind of amusing. He told me he was from Maine and would be staying in town for a bit. Before he left he wrote his name, hotel room #, and his cell # on the back of his receipt. He told me if I wanted to have some fun I should 'call him maybe'. Lmao yeah sure that's going to happen.

Hey I just met you
and you're kind of creepy
will I call you?
Not even maybe
and you know what? sadly
this isn't the first time for this to happen to me

Excuse me officer can you help me...? I need a pack of Newports

I don't know what this lady was on... But I want it lol. She comes in and buys some candy with food stamps, and then she wanted to buy a pack of Newport's. Those are our most popular cigarettes so it's one of the few items I actually know the price of off hand. They're $8.28 with tax but the lady only had $5 so then she wanted to return the candy to afford them. When I told her that wouldn't work she asked why... I don't know ma'am because you can't buy cigarettes with food stamps? So she hangs around for a bit, talking to me (I have no idea what she's talking about, I'm just agreeing with everything she says) and asking people if they can spare $3.
What was hilarious though was when a cop came through my line. She says "excuse me officer can you help me?" I thought maybe she was going to ask for a ride home since she was fucked up and mentioned she lived a bit of a (walking) distance away. Instead she says "can you help me officer...? I need $3 for a pack of smokes" lmao! It was so hard for me, and I think the cop too to not laugh at her. I'm also shocked the cop didn't do a sobriety test.

It was getting to the point where I was considering calling the manager to kick her out when she finally left. That lady was enough crazy for one night...

How 'bout some fries wih that shake?

Like many stores, ours sells little paper placards for different charities throughout the year. You pay either $1 or $5, and we give you a little paper card to write your name (or anything you want, for that matter) on. We then display all the cards for everyone to see. Remember this. This will come up again in a later post. Pretend you're surprised. Anyway, the charity we're raising money for this month has, appropriately enough, shamrock-shaped cards.

During my shift yesterday, I had a customer who looked a lot like Carl from ATHF. Here. For reference:



When I asked him to purchase a shamrock for charity, he replied, in a very thick and nauseating voice, "I'll buy shamrocks if you tape them on (he gestured to my boobs) and give me a shamrock shake. Heh heh." I kept a completely straight face, looked him in the eye and replied "Sorry, sir. I'm not McDonalds. That's the only shamrock shake you'll be getting. You can find them across the street."

After this, I immediately went to my supervisor and told him that "anytime a customer buys 2 $5 charity placards, we should have to give them a mandatory shamrock shake. And not the kind they serve across the street". I then gave a little demonstration and walked away, leaving him staring open-mouthed at what I just did. Then from behind me I hear "Oh my god. Yes. Please do it."

Artichokes...My weapon of choice.

In my line of work, you'd never think you'd have to contemplate what your weapon of choice would be if you needed to arm yourself in the grocery store. When you're a cashier, you have very limited resources. If you worked as a grocery stockperson, you already get to carry around a box cutter. As a cashier, yes we have guns, but they only shoot lasers. Weak lasers. In the shape of a 3" bar. Not what I'd consider useful. Just saying.

Fortunately for me, I learned that artichokes can be useful weapons. No, really. How did I discover this? An old man attacked me with some. About 12 of them actually. For you educationally challenged folk, yes, 12 is a whole dozen! I was nearing the end of my shift when an old Italian man with a heavy accent came through my line with a hibiscus plant and an armload of artichokes. First I scan the hibiscus, and I hear "No! No much!" Um, what? Apparently he meant that I was charging him too much. I pointed out the little price sticker that said $14.99. "No! Is $2.99!" The hell it is. To humor him, I got the floral department manager over. She politely told him that the hibiscus was $14.99 and that maybe he read another sign by accident. Surprise surprise, the guy decided he didn't want the plant. Fine by me. Whatever. So I ring up his artichokes. Being out of season at the time, they cost $2 each, so his order came to $24. "No! Too much! You no make it $24! Not pay that!" I respond with "I'm sorry, sir. They really are $2 each and I'm not allowed to change the price." At this point, he starts to leave and I assume I'll just be voiding his order and taking the next customer. Life is never that easy. He turns back around and begins throwing the artichokes at me and yelling god knows what in Italian. Not only are artichokes solid objects and not fun to get hit with from the get-go, but they have these tiny little prickers on them like cacti! After being hit with 4 or 5 of the dozen he threw, he makes a face at me and leaves the store.

So, if you ever find yourself in need of a way to defend yourself in the produce section, artichokes make great weapons and and should be your projectile of choice!

Greetings from the new guy. Erm...new gal!

Hello faithful readers! My name is Anita, and I've been in the retail game for almost 15 years. (Kill me now. Please. Anyone? Bueller?) Anywho, I'm a 30ish year old female and I work as a cashier with MJ in Mentaltown. I've worked in various retail positions, including customer service at a department store, jewelry department manager, head cashier of a grocery store, etc. So as you can imagine, I've seen my fair share of things at work. I've been assaulted with groceries, I've threatened to kill a manager, I've been hit in the parking lot. What I'm trying to say is that I've got stories and you've got free time. Let's get together and waste some time, shall we?

Caitlin and Grandmas weekly argument

So at the grocery store we have Caitlin and her Grandma come in several times a week. Caitlin is a chubby little girl probably around 10 years old. Caitlin doesn't like to stay with grandma, she likes to wander around on her own and 'sneak' munchkins out of the donut boxes. You're not slick Caitlin I see what you're doing. As far as I know she's cut it out since I caught her.

Anyway they come in occasionally to do they're grocery shopping. It's bad though when us employees already know their routine. It goes something like this.

They come in and Caitlin wanders off to the candy or donuts. The store will be quiet when we hear grandma suddenly yell at the top of her lungs:

Grandma: "Caitlin! Where are ya Caitlin?!"
Caitlin: "I'm over here grandma!"
(Note these 2 are at opposite ends of the store yelling for everyone to hear)
Grandma: "get over here Caitlin!!"
Caitlin: "no grandma I don't wanna!"
Grandma: "I said get over here Caitlin!
Ya know what your doctor said about your donuts"
Caitlin: "I don't care I don't want to go over there"
Grandma: "that's it I've had it! Go to the car Caitlin!"
Caitlin: "no grandma I don't wanna"
Grandma: "I said go to the car Caitlin!!!"
Caitlin: "no grandma!!!"
________________________________

This goes on for about 10-15 minutes several times a week. Same thing.

Grandma, go get Caitlin a cell phone so we don't have to listen to this crap. No one wants to listen to you and your granddaughter argue across the store. And Caitlin get over your donut obsession, and treat your grandma with some respect.

Buy One Get One Free

The night of the super bowl, after it's ended 2 men come in around 3 am. We had a special Super Bowl sale where you bought a bag of Doritos and got a second bag free. We also had Tostitos dip next to the display. However a sign clearly stateted it was buy some chips and get the second bag free.

The man comes up to me and the conversation went something like this:

Customer: So what's this sale? I buy something and I get something free?
Me: Yeah, you buy a bag of chips and you get the second for free.
Customer: So I buy a bag of chips and get some dip for free?
Me: No sir, you buy a bag of chips and you get the second one for free.
Customer: So I don't get any dip?
Me: If you want to buy it seperatly then sure.
Customer: But it's not part of the sale?
Me: No.
Customer: So why's the dip here?
Me: Because people like chips and dip? The store assumes you'll just buy it since you're buying chips anyway.
Customer: But I don't get the dip for free?
Me: No.
Customer: So what do I get for free if I don't get the dip
Me (ready to bang my head against the wall): You buy 1 bag of Doritos. You get a second bag of Doritos for free.
Customer: You know I'm just trying to understand the sale and now you're giving me a hard time..

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I don't know how else I can explain you buy a bag of chips and get a second for free. X_x
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Finally the man buys one bag of chips and decides to start hitting on me. He's chewing with his mouth open, now spitting Dorito's all over my counter and floor. I know every woman finds that so attractive...

To top it all off this man thinks he's in a different town which is about 20 miles away.

Customer: By the way isn't this Waterbury?
Me: No sir this is Mentaltown.
Customer: Nahhhhh you's fuckin with me right? This is Waterbury
Me: No this is Mentaltown
Customer: Nah you're lying.
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Ok sir, just to entertain myself I'm 'lying' about what town you're in.
Ever heard of a GPS dumbass?
Sadly that's not the only time someone's came in thinking this was a totally different town. X_x