Excuse me officer can you help me...? I need a pack of Newports

I don't know what this lady was on... But I want it lol. She comes in and buys some candy with food stamps, and then she wanted to buy a pack of Newport's. Those are our most popular cigarettes so it's one of the few items I actually know the price of off hand. They're $8.28 with tax but the lady only had $5 so then she wanted to return the candy to afford them. When I told her that wouldn't work she asked why... I don't know ma'am because you can't buy cigarettes with food stamps? So she hangs around for a bit, talking to me (I have no idea what she's talking about, I'm just agreeing with everything she says) and asking people if they can spare $3.
What was hilarious though was when a cop came through my line. She says "excuse me officer can you help me?" I thought maybe she was going to ask for a ride home since she was fucked up and mentioned she lived a bit of a (walking) distance away. Instead she says "can you help me officer...? I need $3 for a pack of smokes" lmao! It was so hard for me, and I think the cop too to not laugh at her. I'm also shocked the cop didn't do a sobriety test.

It was getting to the point where I was considering calling the manager to kick her out when she finally left. That lady was enough crazy for one night...

Customers : Foamy The Squirrel

I've loved the Neurotically Yours series for around 7 years now, but Jonathan Ian Mathers latest video reminded me of the retarded questions people ask me. I just wish I could respond to customers the same as Germaine. I would be fired if I responded to my customers retarded questions the way I really want to.

To be clear this video is not made by me, Neurotically Yours is an incredible series by a genius (and one of my influences) named Jonathan Ian Mathers. Go check out his other amazing work at:

http://www.illwillpress.com/

www.youtube.com/user/jimathers 

I should introduce his other series in another post. 4Y Records, about a clerk at a record store who says everything I wish I could.

I doubt he would read this but JIMathers, this post is dedicated to you. You're fucking awesome and one of my cynical inspirations.

Blogger Rant

This has nothing to do with my usual topic of crazy people I see at work. However I've been using Blogger now for a while and lately it's pissing me off. So anyone else who uses this website will probably enjoy this post.

First issue: URL

I wanted my URL to be something short and simple "CrazyCustomers.blogspot.com". At work sometimes with 'normal' customers I'll share the link to this blog, which was customerservicecrazycustomers. Writing it out on receipt paper it looks alot longer, and probably off putting to people.
I wanted to change the URL only to find out that its been taken since 2003 and there's only post that says 'hi' that's it. Blogger, if that shit hasn't been used in several years delete it so other people can actually use the URL that someone else has probably totally forgotten about.

Second issue: Not tracking your own page views
You guys at Blogger need to be more specific than "Blogger must add a tracking cookie to your browser" That's like me throwing you on a register for the first time and saying"Go ahead and run this and have fun figuring it out yourself" while you have a line of customers.  Can't you give me some actual instructions on how to not track my own views?
I don't want to track my own page views, I doubt when I look at my stats my page views are even accurate.



Blogger, is it to much to ask for you guys to maybe send out an email reminder to the author first and then delete your outdated blogs? Is it to much to ask for you guys to give some instructions on HOW to block my own page views?

Bearded lady

This morning a hunched over old lady with a beard came through my line. I'm not talking about a little bit of hair, it wasn't as thick but it was as long as the picture above. I couldn't see her behind the magazine rack and thought she had left and I said to the customer behind her "huh, that lady had a beard." I didn't say it maliciously or anything, just casually commenting like 'oh thats interesting'. Then I saw her walking away. She didn't look back or say anything so I'm hoping she didn't hear me but I still feel like an asshole now. But at the same time, she has a beard so she has to know people are going to look at her odd. I don't understand why she doesn't just shave it.

Oops...

An important lesson in customer service, it's usually best to just keep your mouth shut.

Then start a blog and make all the comments you want on there.

Oh it's ok she was only attacked at knife point

So a man comes in last night to my 3rd shift job and asks if I feel safe in here at night. I said for the most part yes. There's a million cameras in the store, one of my supervisors knows martial arts and we have cops that sit across the street at random.
The man tells me "oh well in the newspaper a few years ago there was a story about a female worker in this store that got sexually assaulted"
So when my manager came in that morning I asked her what was up with that. She says "oh it's ok she wasn't sexually assaulted just attacked at knife point"

X_x
and that's supposed to make me feel better?

I guess what happened was the girl had let someone into our back room o use the bathroom when the man attempted to sexually assault her and pulled out a knife. A male co-worker who was sleeping in the next room woke up to the commotion and scared the man off. They said he was caught during his attempted escape. I guess the girl had a scratch but was overall fine.

But I love how my managers response was "oh it's ok she was just attacked at knife point"

Ok that makes me feel much better... Fuck that between this post and Crappy Fingerpainting I'm not letting anyone use our bathroom anymore.

How 'bout some fries wih that shake?

Like many stores, ours sells little paper placards for different charities throughout the year. You pay either $1 or $5, and we give you a little paper card to write your name (or anything you want, for that matter) on. We then display all the cards for everyone to see. Remember this. This will come up again in a later post. Pretend you're surprised. Anyway, the charity we're raising money for this month has, appropriately enough, shamrock-shaped cards.

During my shift yesterday, I had a customer who looked a lot like Carl from ATHF. Here. For reference:



When I asked him to purchase a shamrock for charity, he replied, in a very thick and nauseating voice, "I'll buy shamrocks if you tape them on (he gestured to my boobs) and give me a shamrock shake. Heh heh." I kept a completely straight face, looked him in the eye and replied "Sorry, sir. I'm not McDonalds. That's the only shamrock shake you'll be getting. You can find them across the street."

After this, I immediately went to my supervisor and told him that "anytime a customer buys 2 $5 charity placards, we should have to give them a mandatory shamrock shake. And not the kind they serve across the street". I then gave a little demonstration and walked away, leaving him staring open-mouthed at what I just did. Then from behind me I hear "Oh my god. Yes. Please do it."

Artichokes...My weapon of choice.

In my line of work, you'd never think you'd have to contemplate what your weapon of choice would be if you needed to arm yourself in the grocery store. When you're a cashier, you have very limited resources. If you worked as a grocery stockperson, you already get to carry around a box cutter. As a cashier, yes we have guns, but they only shoot lasers. Weak lasers. In the shape of a 3" bar. Not what I'd consider useful. Just saying.

Fortunately for me, I learned that artichokes can be useful weapons. No, really. How did I discover this? An old man attacked me with some. About 12 of them actually. For you educationally challenged folk, yes, 12 is a whole dozen! I was nearing the end of my shift when an old Italian man with a heavy accent came through my line with a hibiscus plant and an armload of artichokes. First I scan the hibiscus, and I hear "No! No much!" Um, what? Apparently he meant that I was charging him too much. I pointed out the little price sticker that said $14.99. "No! Is $2.99!" The hell it is. To humor him, I got the floral department manager over. She politely told him that the hibiscus was $14.99 and that maybe he read another sign by accident. Surprise surprise, the guy decided he didn't want the plant. Fine by me. Whatever. So I ring up his artichokes. Being out of season at the time, they cost $2 each, so his order came to $24. "No! Too much! You no make it $24! Not pay that!" I respond with "I'm sorry, sir. They really are $2 each and I'm not allowed to change the price." At this point, he starts to leave and I assume I'll just be voiding his order and taking the next customer. Life is never that easy. He turns back around and begins throwing the artichokes at me and yelling god knows what in Italian. Not only are artichokes solid objects and not fun to get hit with from the get-go, but they have these tiny little prickers on them like cacti! After being hit with 4 or 5 of the dozen he threw, he makes a face at me and leaves the store.

So, if you ever find yourself in need of a way to defend yourself in the produce section, artichokes make great weapons and and should be your projectile of choice!

Greetings from the new guy. Erm...new gal!

Hello faithful readers! My name is Anita, and I've been in the retail game for almost 15 years. (Kill me now. Please. Anyone? Bueller?) Anywho, I'm a 30ish year old female and I work as a cashier with MJ in Mentaltown. I've worked in various retail positions, including customer service at a department store, jewelry department manager, head cashier of a grocery store, etc. So as you can imagine, I've seen my fair share of things at work. I've been assaulted with groceries, I've threatened to kill a manager, I've been hit in the parking lot. What I'm trying to say is that I've got stories and you've got free time. Let's get together and waste some time, shall we?

Crappy finger painting

I was talking to my pharmacist friend at work the other night and he told me this story.

Years ago when he worked at a different store, one day there was a boy around 12-13 who asked to use the bathroom. He led to the kid to the bathroom, but after being in there 20 minutes or so he knocked on the door and asked if everything was ok. The kid said yeah and he would be out in the minute.
The kid comes out of  the bathroom and my pharmacist friend goes in to find that the kid had been doodling. Finger painting scribbles covered the bathroom wall, with shit.
The kid had been finger painting with his own shit, in a drug store bathroom...

My pharmacist friend went and found the mother and said "hey I'd like to show you something" and brought her and her son to the bathroom. The mother asked the kid if he had done it and he admitted. She slapped him and told him not only would he be cleaning up his mess, he would also be cleaning the entire bathroom until it was spotless.

Unlike in Potty Time I applaud that mother.

Apparently WW3 is being started next month by Canada?

A dirty homeless looking guy came into the grocery store asking for help finding something so I went to help him and check him out. While I'm checking him out he looks around to see if anyone else is nearby and says to me "You know not many people know this but WW3 is starting in March. The Canadians, Chinese and Russians are all going to team up on Israel" I asked him why he thought that and he said he learned it listening to a show online every Saturday that he doesn't remember the name of. His story reminded me of this old video



He also told me Jesus is coming in 10 years.

1 dozen clams = ?

I was talking to a co-worker in the Seafood department. He told me a customer asked him how many clams come in a dozen. What's even sadder is he said thats a common question.

Why is it called common sense when it isn't that common?